Thursday, January 5, 2012

Introducing Ana's Cancer (Part 1)

Q. Why am I interviewing you when I could be listening to All Things Considered instead? 

A. I'm Ana's breast cancer.

Q. OK. Tell us a little something about yourself.

A. Well, I'm Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (low-grade at present, but I'm fickle), a malignant cancer. I'm about 8 mm in diameter. My mother was a healthy red blood cell, my dad just finished fourth in the Iowa Republican caucus. 

Q. This is the one everyone is wondering: Why Ana? Why not Hitler or Stalin or Pol Pot or someone like that? 

A. What part of malignant don't you get? I'm not here to provide a service to humanity. I exist to spread fear, loathing and bent, mutant cells in unwilling hosts. 

Q. I get that, but why Ana anyway? Was there something in her genetic make-up or lifestyle that turned you on? 

A. Not that I know of. Just seemed like a good place to crash because, for her, it was the absolute wrong place at the wrong time. I mean sure, she used to break open American Spirit cigs and smear the tobacco all over her chest (it's a Burning Man thing, don't ask), but that wasn't really the cause. For me, it was more of seeing an opportunity and going for it.

Q. How are you two getting on? Seem like a bit of an odd couple. She's into meditation, natural foods, healing and life. You are kind of a dick. 

A. Well that's the kicker, isn't it? It's kind of like Real World: Ana's Chest. You just never know what crazy things will happen with a relationship like ours in a pressurized environment like this.

Q. Do you see it as a long-term relationship? 

A. Well, from what I've heard, she's already planning some kind of intervention to kick me out. Right now, she's getting advice, input and guidance from Western and Eastern sources. On the positive side for me, they are sometimes conflicting and uncertain, but my concern is that she'll find what's right for her, get the money for the various treatments her insurance doesn't or only partly covers and I'll be history. But we just got started, you know how it is, everything seems unreal, you don't even know what to do next. I haven't felt like this since Patch Adams.

Q. Patch Adams?

A. Yeah. Not only was it about pediatric cancer victims, they also had to suffer through Robin Williams hamming it through shameless Borsch Belt routines that would have made Margaret Dumont kick him in the balls, and she spent a lifetime getting hit in the face with pies. For me it was a win-win.

Q. You really are sadistic, aren't you? 

A. One last time. I'm malignant. It's pretty much in the definition of who I am.

[End of Part 1. Updates to follow]

No comments:

Post a Comment