Monday, January 30, 2012

Ana's Cancer Haz a Sad

She's still trying to get rid of me, that rhymes-with-rich-but-not-witch-the-other-thing. She even has the gall to say that I'm on way out. What I ever did to her, I have no idea. I'm just a little invasive cancer near her nipple. Well, whatever, I'll tell you what, she's a total Anti-Cancer Fascist. What's next? Is she going to have a problem with Quakers?

I was going to post this really mean thing about Ana on Facebook, but you know what? I'm bigger than that. You know, for a 8 mm breast carcinoma. Right now, she's in her naturopath's office getting another round of her incredibly expensive European-designed high-end anti-cancer fighter. That's about eight or nine so far. The treatment, called ukrain, is all about isolating me, trying to starve me of my process of reworking the blood vessels to my advantage and all that other crap. Little does she know I'm on a diet anyway. I want to look good for my upcoming spread in Cancer is the Answer magazine. Well, the one I've been told that I might be up for. By an agent I met at a bar. Ana's such a bee-atch!

Ugh, sorry. I just had to let it off her chest.

Actually, I DO have another photo op this week, and it's for reals. On Thursday, my roommate, or rather, body host and I are going back to Encino for another MRI. She hates it because of the sterile, hostile, Kubrickian environment and disinterested medical technicians. I like it because it's all about me. I'm the star. Her hope, though, is that I'm smaller (if I'm smaller, then it's only because it's the breasts that got big). Or in some way measurably different, so she can continue on her regimen of discipline, yoga, healing, greens, tumeric, ginger, garlic and naturopathic treatment. And probably some more conversations with her parasites.

She's also seeing another Doctor in San Diego. And wants to continue her ukrain regimen past next week. I swear, she hates me!

Well, that's what I'm up to this week. TTYL. xo, IDC.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Cleansing your chatty parasites and other updates

[Editor's Note: Ana's cancer has its mouth full of high-grade natural medicine at the moment, so a contributor has been given the OK to give an update on its lovely host]

No one ever said kicking cancer's ass would ever be a bag of rose petals. First you have to go through the hell of getting things probed, scraped, poked, squashed and drawn. Then you have to deal with the fear. Finally, you have to find out that there are parasites inside your body who wanted to reach out. Which makes it all the more amazing that our girl is walking strong, grateful and emboldened by the outpouring of support (moral and financial) that has enabled her to focus on healing — and given her the strength to talk back to those pesky parasites that one of her health practitioners heard. No, not found through some blood work or anything, heard. While I'm not privy to what the conversation was, I think it had something to do with evicting David Spade from her liver — even parasites have standards, after all.

Right now, Ana is in a naturopath's office in Monrovia, getting her third High C IV (I think it's fruit punch, but it might be kale). The first was a bad experience — it burned and her veins suck — but the last one went much easier. Soon, she'll probably be hitting up people on the Venice bike path for organic citric acid bags, but until then, she's well on her way to fine-tuning her body and telling that cancer to say hello to her little friend.

She's also been on an intensive cleanse, which when she told a couple of people what that entailed disabused us of our original notion that cancer is glamorous (it was named Time's Disease of the Year every year since Ebola stole the crown that one year in the 1990's). I mean she can't even have a glass of wine. I mean detoxifying might be important and all,! Soon enough, though, by this time next week, she will be off the cleanse and able to sip a single Pinot Noir every other day or so.

So a new step in the natural regiment will also be taken this week: She will start "ukrain" treatment. According to the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer site (the western treatment cancer establishment) ukrain is:

"A semi-synthetic proprietary product containing alkaloids and Thio-TEPA. Patients use it to treat cancer, HIV/AIDS, and hepatitis C. Ukrain™ is promoted as a selective cytotoxic agent against cancer cells. Ukrain demonstrated antitumor effects in vitro and in animal studies (9) (10) (11). A systematic review of clinical trials suggests that Ukrain may have potential as an anticancer drug but well designed studies are needed (7)."

And it's expensive as hell. Cough. Ahem...[jerks head toward the side of the site with the link]

You should also know that upcoming Ana events include a New York City pot luck fundraiser and a second MRI, for which we are hoping that we can see some positive gains in shrinking that 8 mm tumor. Updates for each will be given as soon as possible.

Until then, we know Ana is benefiting greatly from thinking healthy, being healthy and all of your love and support. We've raised more than $1200 to date and that's helped her so much. More than that, she really feels stronger because of the spirit and help you've all shown in this trying time. It's instrumental in beating this. Please keep giving her love. 

PS: I'm told her parasites say hi.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Introducing Ana's Cancer (Part 1)

Q. Why am I interviewing you when I could be listening to All Things Considered instead? 

A. I'm Ana's breast cancer.

Q. OK. Tell us a little something about yourself.

A. Well, I'm Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (low-grade at present, but I'm fickle), a malignant cancer. I'm about 8 mm in diameter. My mother was a healthy red blood cell, my dad just finished fourth in the Iowa Republican caucus. 

Q. This is the one everyone is wondering: Why Ana? Why not Hitler or Stalin or Pol Pot or someone like that? 

A. What part of malignant don't you get? I'm not here to provide a service to humanity. I exist to spread fear, loathing and bent, mutant cells in unwilling hosts. 

Q. I get that, but why Ana anyway? Was there something in her genetic make-up or lifestyle that turned you on? 

A. Not that I know of. Just seemed like a good place to crash because, for her, it was the absolute wrong place at the wrong time. I mean sure, she used to break open American Spirit cigs and smear the tobacco all over her chest (it's a Burning Man thing, don't ask), but that wasn't really the cause. For me, it was more of seeing an opportunity and going for it.

Q. How are you two getting on? Seem like a bit of an odd couple. She's into meditation, natural foods, healing and life. You are kind of a dick. 

A. Well that's the kicker, isn't it? It's kind of like Real World: Ana's Chest. You just never know what crazy things will happen with a relationship like ours in a pressurized environment like this.

Q. Do you see it as a long-term relationship? 

A. Well, from what I've heard, she's already planning some kind of intervention to kick me out. Right now, she's getting advice, input and guidance from Western and Eastern sources. On the positive side for me, they are sometimes conflicting and uncertain, but my concern is that she'll find what's right for her, get the money for the various treatments her insurance doesn't or only partly covers and I'll be history. But we just got started, you know how it is, everything seems unreal, you don't even know what to do next. I haven't felt like this since Patch Adams.

Q. Patch Adams?

A. Yeah. Not only was it about pediatric cancer victims, they also had to suffer through Robin Williams hamming it through shameless Borsch Belt routines that would have made Margaret Dumont kick him in the balls, and she spent a lifetime getting hit in the face with pies. For me it was a win-win.

Q. You really are sadistic, aren't you? 

A. One last time. I'm malignant. It's pretty much in the definition of who I am.

[End of Part 1. Updates to follow]